


The Curious Incident of the Goat in the Nighttime

by Cousin Shelley (CousinShelley)



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Background Relationships, Episode: s02e09 Witches, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Sex, Misunderstandings, Vampires, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:14:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CousinShelley/pseuds/Cousin%20Shelley
Summary: Laszlo is banished to the basement, but he can't let sleeping goats lie.
Relationships: Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	The Curious Incident of the Goat in the Nighttime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brodeurbunny30](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brodeurbunny30/gifts).



“I’m afraid this feels all wrong, Nandor.” Laszlo pulled his breeches back up and managed to fasten them over his erection. 

“What exactly would be wrong about it? I’m doing what I always do.”

“Not that. What you were doing felt fantastic, but I can’t enjoy myself while my lady wife is so angry with me.” 

“So I should finish myself off?” Nandor said, almost a whine, as if he hadn't done that practically every night for centuries now. 

“Not necessarily.” Laszlo held his hands up and made air quotes with his fingers. “Put a pin in it until I see what’s what.”

“A pin? Kinky,” Nandor said, all of his teeth showing. 

“No, that’s . . . nevermind.”

* * *

_So tell us again why you left Nandor’s room_. 

Laszlo looked at the camera. “My lady love had banished me to the basement, and I couldn’t continue getting my jollies with Nandor. It’s one thing to sleep with people who look like Nadja when I think it’s her, or I think she doesn’t care. Knowing she’s mad? The guilt would have eaten me up for minutes, maybe even an hour or two.”

_Isn’t that a small amount of time to worry about? You’re immortal._

“And you’re stating the obvious.” Laszlo leaned forward as if he might roll off the couch and launch himself at the cameraman. “But let me make one thing perfectly clear. Even an hour of immortality spent thinking my sweet baby might be crying because of me is an hour too long!”

Laszlo leaned back and smoothed down his waistcoat. “Especially when she really gets going and chases me with an axe. That’s a long damn hour, let me tell you.”

* * *

_So you’re furious with Laszlo for sleeping with—_

“Don’t name them. Ptooey. I spit on their names.” Nadja snarled, and the cameraman flinched.

_Okay. Let’s say women with long dark hair. And Nan—_

“Oh, fucking _Nandor_.”

_You were shocked to learn they’d had sex?_

“No. We’ve all had sex with Nandor at one orgy or another. I mean, not to brag but the three of us have closed down some of the best ones. Almost nobody can keep up.” She beamed. 

_Then why were you upset? Because you didn’t know they’d had sex without you?_

“It’s not even that. It was the heat of the moment and the witches and the fact that grown vampires can’t avoid being lured into a semen-stealing plot because they go goggly-eyes over a fucking goat.” She sighed heavily. “Big babies, all of them.”

_So you sent Laszlo to the basement coffin._

“On principle. Fucking stupid goats make me think of fucking stupid goat cheese, and that—that’s something worth to be pissed about.” She hissed. 

_I think he’s worried you might chase him with an axe again._

“No, of course there will be no axes or chasing or threatening to kill him. I’m in totally no mood for foreplay.”

* * *

  
“I don’t understand, my darling. We’ve all had sex with Nandor. I can’t even count how many orgies had us all ending up in a sticky, and might I add, satisfied pile.”

“So?”

“So, my having sexual relations with Nandor could hardly come as a shock.”

“We got jerked around by our asses by witches with a stupid goat. And what do goats remind you of, Laszlo?”

He frowned. “Goats, darling? I don’t know, maybe coats? Oats?”

“That’s rhyming, Laszlo! I want to know with the reminding.”

“Horns? Horny?” He laughed and put his arms around her. ‘You think I’m a horny old goat.”

She shoved him backward. “Goat _cheese_!” 

“Oh.” Laszlo looked at the floor. “Najda, I should explain about that.”

“You said I tasted like the goat cheese, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen cheese or goats since then that don’t make my feelings want to hurt you.”

“I don’t think that’s how you say it. Your feelings are hurt.”

“Yes, and they also want to hurt _you_.”

“But listen, darling, what I said—”

“Are you going to tell me you lied, Laszlo? When you haven’t gone down on me in—”

“It’s true. You tasted like goat cheese!”

Nadja growled and held her hands up like she might go for his throat. “Where is my chasing axe!”

“Have you forgotten, my love, how rare goats were in my village? No cows at all, and piss-few skinny little goats. So when we got goat cheese, it was like a delicacy. I love goat cheese. One of my favorite foods when I could eat food without projectile vomiting.” He put his hands on his hips. “Have you forgotten my tribute to you in my topiary garden? Would I immortalize your vulva in living sculpture if I found it the least bit distasteful?”

Nadja clasped her hands together, and pulled the corner of her lips down. “The way you said it made it seem like a bad thing. And you never want to do it. So one of these lies is lying!”

“I’ll come clean. My darling, the only reason I haven’t pleasured you that way for a long time is because you’re a bit of . . . how do I say this delicately . . . a pillow _princess-ah_.”  
  


* * *

Laszlo stared into the camera, eyebrows high.

“She gets hers and is snoring before I can even come up for air. Tonight wasn’t the first time I’ve stood in front of Nandor’s door in quite a state, nosirree Bob and your uncle.”

* * *

“Why didn’t you just tell me that? You could wake me up! You woke me up the time there were weeds sprouting in the middle of your mother’s bush, or when Colin Robinson kept sitting too close to you, or when you think Gizmo is trying to steal your stupid witch-skin hat! You are capable of the waking, you big stupid baby!”  
  


* * *

“Sometimes she wakes up violent.” Laszlo tilted his head back and took a deep breath. “I remember how I tried waking her up once after she’d gone into a blissful, post-orgasmic sleep. She just sort of clawed at the air around her like a rabid animal and the most prominent part of me was the first thing she grabbed. Damn near tied a knot in it.”

He stared, deadpan, at the camera. “You can see my dilemma.”

* * *

“I promise I won’t fall asleep, my love.”

“But if you do?”

“I won’t wrench your penis like I’m, what was the phrase, swinging at all the fences?”

“Close enough.” Laszlo pulled Nadja into his arms and kissed her. Now that they’d talked things out, everything was right with the world again. Then he remembered he’d left Nandor in the middle of things. “And what about Nandor? He’s in a similar state as me. Surely we don’t want to leave him hanging?”

“Only a little while, my darling. Then you can go and get him, if _you_ can stay awake and not be exhausted with the sex.” Nadja tossed her head back and laughed. 

* * *

“Oh, how I love that woman. Delightfully wicked, that one.”

_What happened when you went to get Nandor?_

“By the time Nadja and I reached a stopping point, Nandor had already retired, apparently. I do hope he took things in hand himself, if you know what I mean.” Laszlo chuckled. Then he frowned and curled up his nose. “You don’t think he actually stuck pins in it, do you?”

* * *

Nandor waited on his bed for Laszlo to come back. He didn’t know where to find a pin, and would have shouted for Guillermo to find him one, but he felt a little self-conscious about the state he was in. 

Someone knocked lightly. Finally, Laszlo!

He opened the door to Colin Robinson. “Colin Robinson! What are—oh, I see.” 

He was in the same state as Nandor and Laszlo. 

“So, Nandor, I was thinking . . .”

Nandor leaned out to look both ways down the hall. No sign of Laszlo. Just the camera crew, waiting to see what would happen, he guessed. “Promise you won’t talk, Colin Robinson. You know what that would do to my mood.”

When Colin nodded, Nandor grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room. Nandor shrugged while looking into the camera, then closed the door behind them. 


End file.
